jwz: CDC’s updated guidelines for living with the zombie apocalypse

August 25, 2022

jwz: CDC’s updated guidelines for living with the zombie apocalypse:

Great news! The zombie war is over! You can come out of your bunkers now!

Did we win? No. We did something even better than winning: We suddenly became aware of the passage of time! Wars can end lots of ways — by winning, by surrendering, by a negotiated settlement, by simply deciding in our minds that they are over with or without consulting the facts on the ground.

Why are there new guidelines if nothing has changed?

Look, it is hard, and everyone’s trying! That’s the takeaway here! We’ve all learned and grown, and it’s time to move on!

But is the zombie war over?

Well, the fighting-zombies phase of the zombie war is over!

The way you phrased that made it sounds like the zombies are not … gone.

Yes, technically, in the most literal sense, the zombies are still among us, but much as we would like to be living in a totally zombie-free world, that was never the goal, except for a brief time when we were way too optimistic about what people were capable of.

Look, some people decided that the effort of eradicating the zombies wasn’t worth the inconvenience. Imagine having to bring a heavy, metal bat with you every time you go out! Imagine living like that! Well, because some people couldn’t do that for a limited time, now other people will have the opportunity to do that forever.

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